Cássiópeia and Commitments

Today was a good day until 5 pm. But being a Monday, after 5 pm people who should know better didn’t. And in both cases it affected my daughter and me, by proxy.

One of the situations is in my control, but involves a tough decision. The other is not and will never be something I can control. A wise friend listened to my story and told me to breathe and look at the stars, which is what I am doing now.

I find myself visiting with Cassiopeia. An old friend in the autumn sky. And a perfect way to celebrate the first day of fall - my favorite season.

I stepped outside and just as it did when I was 10 or 12, the darkness wraps around me.  I hear crickets singing their last sad song of summer.  I instantly recall my dad taking me outside after dinner and teaching me about Cássiópeia. We stood next to our garage on the top of our big hill and he pointed to a W in the sky. Easy to spot, right over our heads.

I felt bonded to this constellation with her proud W, just like my last name. And my dad then told me the story of Cassiopeia. The queen with unrivaled beauty. What stuck with me was that she was seated. The W was her chair, in effect. At the time I thought it was nice she got to relax in the sky.  And I kept that child’s view until tonight.

Cássiópeia was probably tired. Tired of helping other people. Tired of being beautiful and all that entails. And tired of taking the high road while other people didn’t live up to their commitments.

Yet she sat there - as she does tonight some 40 years later - just as beautiful and circumspect as a queen should be. Reminding me of happy days with my dad. Reminding me to keep my mouth shut and just make the change, not talk about it.  Reminding me to be grateful for a friend’s thoughtful advice (and the friendship). And reminding me that no matter how tired you get, you can always look up and find beauty.

Tangled up in Blue

Every time I hear the Bob Dylan song Tangled up in Blue playing on the radio, I stop and take notice. This song has followed me my entire adult life with phrases from it predicting or recapping portions of my life.  My own personal Nostradamus.

It mostly has to do with my love life.  I dated - and nearly married - someone who lived on Montague Street.  I have been with someone who started in dealing in "slaves" (investment banking is close enough), and something inside of him died.  I dated someone who's Papa's bank book wasn't big enough.  I dated - and nearly married (different person) - someone who worked on a fishing boat and he also worked as a cook for a spell.  And now, as I deal with the effects of divorce, I know that: we always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point of view.

I came to know and love this song from a mix tape made for me in an apartment in Paris by a boy my friend and I knew from home.  I say a boy, although at 19 - 20, he had set up an elaborate pot-dealing empire in a foreign country so I'm not entirely sure he was immature.  One night he made us a mix tape that included Tangled up in Blue and many other amazing songs.  My girlfriend and I carried it with us, in our Walkmen and our backpacks all over Europe that summer.  On trains, in hostels, and finally home.  It was called 315AP after the code you needed to access the boy's apartment.  Since I had bought the actual tape, I retained possession when we got home.  Next weekend, I'll see that same friend, and I couldn't help text her today when I heard the song on the radio.  Her response: of course and see you soon. 

Lord knows I've paid some dues getting through, but honestly, I don't know what this next chapter of life holds.  Divorce, solo parent, new home, business owner.  I think I'll just trust in the song like I always have and know the only thing I [know] how to do [is] to keep on keepin' on .... Tangled up in blue.

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=tangled+up+in+blue+lyrics